It’s Really Hard

I think the last few things I wrote have been sad. Not because life is All Sad. It’s not. It’s beautiful. It’s adventures and rehearsals and vlogs and laughing and swan kids and cooking experiments and thousands of kisses. But it’s also harder and sadder than I ever knew life could be.

Is that what it’s like to be a grown up?

I think maybe that’s what it’s like to learn things.

I realize now that many people don’t want to know more. Many people like what they have and aren’t interested in more. Even people who have access to education, resources, and people who are different from them. And I can’t hold that against anyone. Take the life you want and do glorious things with it!

But I just love learning so much. I find myself constantly reading, absorbing, re-thinking, listening. Once you hear enough about an issue, talk to enough people about something, your perspective is just changed forever. Even if my conclusions are the same – I’M not the same. I don’t have my conclusions for the same reasons. I’ve cultivated more empathy, understanding – I’ve tried to wiggle around in strange shoes.

But that gets so lonely when so few people live like that. It gets so lonely when people I love retreat further and further into their boxes, when I just want to keep following light and air and growing my wings and learning to see the world through other people’s eyes.

I don’t know what to do about how hard it is.

I don’t know how to deal with brothers dying and sisters fading away. I don’t know how to deal with living thirty miles from my best. I don’t know how to deal with friends who go to toxic churches and leave compassion at the door of their social media accounts. I don’t know how to deal with false whispers and hate and smallness.

I don’t know how to be Good like I want to be – but I know Bad when I see it.

And I don’t know how so many people can’t see it.

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